Why? Its a great question isn't it?

Last night was extremely difficult to say the least. I should probably explain Jr. Prom first.


So. Theres this boy who has been dubbed Sasker and thats what I'm calling him. Anyway. I really really really like this kid and have for the last three years. On prom night I cried because of him and whatnot, its unimportant. He is one of my best friends, he is a person that i trust the most, he is everything to me. At Prom i ended up having to tell him my feelings and he was, as I predicted, extremely accepting of it.

But.

But he has a girlfriend (who i think acts more like his sister).

And.

He told me, "I wish you had told me sooner, because then the circumstances probably would have been different. "

Right. Thanks.


So I let it go, I told him I wasn't going to interfer with his relationship with his girlfriend and whatever.

So life went on. He occasionally tries to make me jealous, but I don't really care.

Then last night happened. Yeah, i get it. He cares a lot for me.



I saw Sasker, and his girlfriend on their way back to his house. So I picked them up and we ended up going to the casino. On the way there, she made some comment about emo kids cutting themselves. So Sasker and I got kind of into a arguement, that was between the two of us and very quiet, and I was said, "I'm not telling you what I mean with her in the car." he just sort of sighed and said "fine." So I showed him.

I showed him my razor. The one I had bought yesterday, (which is the only reason i had it with me). He looked at it and goes, "We're going to have a serious talk."


So we took her home after about an hour and then went back to his house. Went to his room and I told him everything.

That I cut, and to a bad degree and that I hate me so much and that my father is a dick and I how i feel so isolated and alone and like no one cares about me. I showed him the scars on my arm, but not my hips. I told him absolutely everything. He just didn't know what to do, what to say. He paced the room, running his hands through his hair, would sit down, then stand and keep pacing. He stopped and looked up at the ceiling and said, "This is the first time theres been a problem with someone I care about that I couldn't fix." What do you say to that.

But I was happy though because while 2 people already knew, he was the first that didn't say "if theres something wrong, call me right away." He just kind of thought about it. At around midnight we went and got gas and then I dropped him off at his house, as he started to close the door, he stopped and leaned down, not directly looking at me and said "if...if you need anything call me. You have my cell." he didn't tell me I had to call him, he didn't say taht I must. He gave me the option. He was upset, I was crying, it was a great night.

I guess the biggest problem I have is that I know how much he cares for me and I sprang it on him. I had no intention to but I did. And he didn't know what to do. But I find a problem in it, with the fact that he cares so much. I haven't felt loved in a very long time and the feeling is so surreal, that I sort of don't believe him.

I want to, but I'm so emotionally disconnected from everyone that I just can't grasp the fact that someone cares for me. That someone actually feels guilty that I would do something like this to myself. Like its his fault that last saturday when i had hit rock bottom, he hadn't been there to catch me adn if he had known he would have talked to me. But none of it is his fault. And I feel bad for hurting him. For getting him so freaked out last night. And for that I'm sorry.

And I went to his house today to pick him up to go see his baby(his ex girlfriend had a baby on tuesday and its most likely his), and I found it incredibly odd that his grandmother got upset that I was there. This is exactly what she said.

"Who's that!?"

"my friend Danielle. she's okay. " he replied sounding kind of tired.

"You're bringing another girl to her house?!"

"Yes. It's fine." he turned to me and hissed "Just ignore them." and dragged me into the back of the house. while the grandmother yelled,

"You just had a baby and you're bringing some other girl to her house?"

"I Brought Lissa yesterday(his girlfriend)"


"SO! You're not seeing her."

wait. Back up. what did you just say? that he isn't seeing his girlfriend. Hm. Thats only a little weird to say.
then as we're leaving she says to him,

"Keep your pants on....and zipped."



Well... I was under the impression that he was dating Lissa. I was thoroughly amused. Especially when he said he had to go home and deal with her gripeing at him about me coming over.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.