Well what are you waiting for?

It's amazing exactly how much of life has been put into the blog. So amazing that I don't remember a lot of what I put in. THis whole thing has in essence been my sanctuary for the last two years. Not one, but two years. The longest thing I've ever EVER had online. Through this I can look back and see the end of my sophmore year, when everything was getting rough, when I was having feelings for Randy, adn Ray, and all these other boys, feelings I thought were real but weren't. Relationships that had effects that need not be there. Then comes the real relationships, the one that meant the most to me, the one that I fucked up.




Lennis Patrick Burke. Born December 29, 1986. 21, black hair, brown eyes. Olympic material swimmer. Insecure. The first boy to make me feel like I matter, like I was the most important person in the world. The first person I ever told "I love you." Born in California, raised there. Doesn't know how to ride a bike, won't have a license until this month. Has a beautiful way with words. Was engaged to me, wanted to have children with me. The first one to know completely everything about me and not hate me for it.

Sad part:

Wants nothing to do with me. The first person to break my heart into a thousand pieces.



God, what I would give to have him just TALK to me again. I miss his voice adn sometimes get so scared I'll forget what it sounds like. I still have dreams about him. Wonderful dreams where he still wants to be with me, where he gives me that chance.

I get it Patrick. I fucked up, I rebelled against everything I was and I'm falling so fast down this slop to nothingness, this downward spiral that I found I could really use you on, that I found you were the reason for.


I am lucrative in how I act. I have developed a keen sense on how to pick men who will inevitably hurt me the way I was hurt. Or a keen sense on how to pick men to hurt the way I was hurt.


I need him more than anything. But I need to let him go. ANd I am trying really really hard to do that right now.