What if you could only speak the truth, what would you say?

So, I was fucking around on google and thought it would be oh so cool (sarcasm) to look up pro anna sites. So now I'm sitting here and thinking to myself...this might be a good idea, to stop eating I mean. Over the last year, I've gotten back into good eating habits, well sort of, I still count calories occasionally and most recently restricting. But I'm not losing the weight that I want to. But I'm looking at this site and the girls on it are so fucking beautiful, it makes me sick. I want to be so desperately skinny, to be able to count my ribs. I can only slightly see my collar bones adn I can barely see my hip bones. I want to be just as pretty as these girls and I'm not and it sucks and I despise myself for it. For being as fat as I am.

Not to mention I want to cut like a motherfucker. I want both things back adn I want to do them extremely fucking well. Which I know sounds really fucking emotastic but whatever its my place and I need to vent.

I feel like I'm falling into this endless abyss of a hole that I can't get out of. All I've been doing lately is restricting what I eat, wanting to cut, adn sleeping the majority of the day. I sleep from around 1am-12 pm, awake until 3 or 4 and sleep until about 10, 11 pm and then stay up till one. Right now though my focus is just to cut, and not eat and start going to the gym again for 3 hours like I use to. All of these things would make me so happy, except they won't happen because I'm weak and have no will power. Because I suck at life. Sunday all I could think was how nice it would be to just fucking be done with it all. Be done with life. No one wants a girl whos so depressed she can't function.

And I'm a let down to my mom. Which hurts the most. Because I hate disappointing her.

Part of me really wishes I was either Alice in Wonderland, so I can be a little kid forever or be Sleeping Beauty so I can sleep for one hundred years.

I'm a fucking idiot.